I'm not feeling particularly witty or clever right now, so no original subject heading from me today

[arthoniel]

SO I FINALLY STARTED GLEE. (Took me long enough, right?) HOLY CRAP. This is a show that is tailor made for me, and I love it. Like, words cannot even begin to express the level of adoration I have for it. IT'S SO GOOD. I've only seen the first few episodes, but... it's so good. Kurt is definately my favorite thus far. Granted, I'm only four episodes in, but... sldfkjsdlkjfdsl I LOVE IT SO MUCH.

...I don't know if I'm hormonal or what, but the rest of this is just personal emo shit that I'm just gonna let out here. Please, feel free to ignore it in favor of spazzing over the utter amazingness that is Glee.

...So my parents told me not to talk about this online... but I don't want to burden them with this, and... letting it out online is just easier for me. It lets me avoid my feelings of weakness and inadequacy that I have when I discuss my feelings with a real person.
My grandfather has Alzheimer's Disease. And... when he was diagnosed, it... wasn't really a surprise. And he still remembers all of us and everything. But he's degenerating. And I don't know what to do. Not that there's anything I can do. I mean, every year my family goes up to my grandparents' for Thanksgiving. And... he couldn't really do anything this time. He could barely even talk. And it's like... it's like my grandpa is gone. But he's still right there. And I know he loves me and all, but I just don't know what to do with it. And, as I mentioned, that's the worst part. There's nothing I can do about it. And I hate being helpless, more than almost anything else in the world.

And that leads me onto another thread of emo bullshit. He loves me. In fact, a lot of people do. And for a while now, I've been struggling with this question... it's not that I don't appreciate or reciprocate the love, but... I'm having a bit of a hard time understanding why. Why do people like me? Maybe it's just me reacting to a new situation, since people haven't liked me on this scale since... ever. But... I honestly don't understand. I'm awkward. I'm weird, and not always in a good way. I don't know how to be a good friend, and how to react to certain situations sometimes. I'm vain. I'm selfish. I'm not as smart as people think that I am- I'm clever, I have ideas that I actually express, and I'm good at phrasing things (when I can say them properly without my awkwardness getting in the way), but that masks how I'm not really as intelligent as others think. I'm cowardly. I have massive problems with committment. I'm hypocritical. I honestly don't think I'm all that interesting, most of the time. And I can straight up be a bitch when I'm not thinking. I'm just... I don't understand why people like me so much.
Now, don't get me wrong. I like myself. This isn't me having self esteem issues or anything. And it's certainly not me asking for compliments- it's so obnoxious when people do that. I'm plenty confident. I'm witty, funny, and pretty. But... people like me. And I really just don't understand. This isn't me having self-issues. This is me being confused.

Lastly... gah. Everything I've said for about the past year and a half about not wanting a boy/girlfriend are true. I'm still loving being single, and being allowed to flirt with whoever I like, and not having it be weird when I fangirl over characters/celebrities. (CAN YOU SAY DARREN CRISS?  8D  <3) But... I really want a friend with benefits. I still really don't want a boy/girlfriend... but every so often, having someone there who I know really cares about me would be nice. Just being held would be nice. Having someone to hook up with would be nice. And now would be one of those times when this would be really nice. But somehow, I always end up being the guy in relationships. I'm always the one who wants to hook up and have that be it, and the actual guy or the other girl wants to have ~*a relationship.*~ I don't want a relationship. I just want to cuddle and watch Glee together. It would be nice.

No, wait, one more thing... but it relates to that last thing, so it still counts. I'm kind of scared of getting into a relationship... because I'm not sure I really know how to like someone in real life anymore. I've spent so much time among the douchebags at my high school or in theater camp that there haven't been any actual options in my life for the past several years. So I resorted to crushing on fictional characters and celebrities, because what else was I going to do? But now... I don't know. I don't know if I just never really had a crush on this one guy and was only reacting to how we share a lot of the same interests/have a lot of the same friends and thus spend a lot of time together (...Two seperate guys there. Go me, huh?) or if I actually liked him, but... there's nothing now. And I will melt all over the place while listening to the English dub of Black Butler, or while watching Darren Criss sing Teenage Dream on Glee (I've only seen that clip, but. sldkfsdjflksdj), but when I even think that I might have a crush on a guy in real life... I just get over analytical over how much I'm actually feeling. How many butterflies are there in my stomach, how much am I thinking about him when he's not there, would I be willing to sleep with him... and I'm scared that I'm spending so much time worrying about it that I can't actually like him. I remember crushes back in middle school, the last time I actually had them, and... I would be over the moon for the guy I liked. The sun rose every morning for the sole purpose of shining on him. Just getting to talk to him would make my whole day. And now... I can't stop analyzing my feelings enough to actually feel them. And maybe I'm not actually feeling them, but I just feel like I should be... but. Well, I don't know. I have no idea where I'm going with this one. But I wanted to let it out.

...Wow. That was one hell of an emo bitchingpost... but I do feel better after letting it all out.

Yeah. Writing isn't happening tonight either. It's just not. I'll have to write like all hell tomorrow though. Two days. 15k words. Think I can do it?  :D

And feel free to ignore everything else in this post for squeeing over Glee, too. Just don't spoil me for anything, plzkthx~

Comments

T-THIRD TME'S THE CHARM GHLHJGJ MOTHERFUU--

[pess-in-suits.livejournal.com]

...I-IS IT BAD THAT I CAN ALMOST COMPLETELY EMPATHIZE WITH YOU ON...ALMOST ALL THREE OF THOSE THINGS? >: _{because while I can't agree with the friends with benefits thing, I WILL say that sometimes, yeah, it's just nice to be held.}

If it's any help, I know I like you because you're you, awkwardness and all. So! Peoeple like others because of a variety of things, and sometimes it really doesn't make sense, but maybe there's less point in making sense in it than there is in just appreciating it, y'know? _{Nick why are you such a hypocrite learn to take your own advice--}

/HUGS THE STUFFING OUTTA YOU! ♥

Haha, no worries~ :D

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

Fff, thanks hon. I was really just letting stuff out, but... yeah. Thanks, babe. <3

*MASSIVE HUGS BACK*

[vampricyoda.livejournal.com]

Well I have a few comments to make. First off with your grandfather, if I was in the posation you are I'd take advantage of every single chance to get up there and see him while he still remembers. But I have a feeling you're doing the same tbing.

As far as people likeing you. . .First off phyically you're cute. Like famous actoress cute. You're intelligent, witty, and just enough of a nerd to be approchable. Anime, Star Trek, ect. You're also someone who keeps social issues in mind which while I can't speak for anyone else here shows an intellect that honestly, not many people in your age group share. Most people could give two shits. So it boils down to you're a cute nerdy girl who actully gives a damn about the world around her. Which is alot rarer then you give credit for. As far as friends with benefits. . .I'm shocked you can't find someone local enough to do that with. But then I think alot of the people you'd mind attractive have a mindset where they'd rather a realtionship then that? It could be a catch 22.

Though I've got to admit I always find myself typing up really long responces to your entries. . .I guess I always have alot to say on them.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

...Thank you.

Also... fff, you probably only type up long responses because I write really long entries in the first place. XD

[vampricyoda.livejournal.com]

You're welcome. I dunno it always feels weird because we've meet in person for maybe a total of a half hour. lol.

[paru-na.livejournal.com]

Oh honey. First off.

*MASSIVE FUCKING HUG ATTACK SMOTHER*

Second: I am totally giving you that hug attack smother IRL when I next see you, and if I forget, be a doll and remind me.


Thirdly? My brother made me watch Glee and I have not stopped lol'ing since, although I am debating on doing it. I love Brittany and Kurt. oh god. XD

FOURTHLY: *buries you in chocolate* You're REALLY making me consider Northeastern JUST so I could be within distance of you. But you know that I'm there for you when it matters, mkay? If y'need to talk, you know how to find me and you know wher eI stand with commitment. XD We'll get through this, my super-sidekick. <3 *snugglelove* >w= ♥ ♥ ♥

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

slkfdlkj Thank you, babe. <3

Also? GLEE. WE SHOULD DO IT. TOGETHER. I'm still only on episode four, but we'll get to the same place, then catch up together because it is SO AWESOME.

Ooh, chocolate. And don't come to Northeastern just because I'm here! I mean, you should come because you really love it. You're going to be spending four years of your life in college, after all. And if you love it like I do, that can be an AMAZING thing... but if you don't, like I've seen others deal with? It can be awful. Go where feels right for you. If that's nearby me, then awesome. If not, then I'll be fine. That's what busses are for, after all, amirite? :D

[chromatic-coma.livejournal.com]

*squish* I'm sorry, hun.

But, you are incredibly likeable. I've liked you from the moment I met you, when you cosplayed Italy at that Hetalia meet in August 09. You have a naturally attractive personality; you're friendly, you have an awesome smile, you know how to have fun but not too much fun, you're just an all around brilliant person.

And Glee. Kurt gets so much better in season 2, just wait til you get there :)

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

sflksdlkj Thank you, hon. That means a lot. Knowing something like that in quantifiable statements. I appreciate it~

And Kurt gets better?? I didn't know that was POSSIBLE!! *Catches up like a madwoman... tomorrow. After NaNo ends.*

[chromatic-coma.livejournal.com]

Well, it's all true <3333

He does! Better because, imo, he becomes much more relateable and sympathic and even realistic.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

Wow, that's awesome! I can't wait to catch up, then~

[chromatic-coma.livejournal.com]

Yes, hurry up XD

[irishgal487.livejournal.com]

*Major major major hug*

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather.

And you want to know why people like you...it's because you are a amazing, wonderful person! No lie sweetie, You are one of the best friends I have ever had!

*More hugging* Love ya!

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

ksjdflkjdsflkjsdlkjsd

I love you too, babe. *Major hugs back*

[engelen.livejournal.com]

1) ... I uhm... never liked Glee (you see, I hate musicals), but I could see why people liked it. The first half of the first season is not bad, IMO, but the rest is mediocre at best, and the new season is terrible. I havent's seen more than 5 complete episodes tho, but even my brother who used to like it now looks at it with disdain (ie: the situations are ridiculous/cruel/notfunny, the lip-synch is terrible, you can tell they're using a shitload of auto-tune, too much modern music, etc.). Just a heads-up.
I still think you (EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE ENTIRE UNIVERSE) should watch community.

2) I'm sorry. Chronic-degenerative diseases are the worst. Indeed, there is NOTHING you can do, and I think you should prepare yourself for the time when he stops remembering who you are. I'm sorry if I sound cruel... I had a terrible grandfather due to his illness.

3)I'm sorry to break this to you but, most people in the world are just as flawed as you are. There's no one who is 100% good, nor 100% bad. We learn to like each other for our qualities, despite our flaws.
I am cruel, rude, obsessive, controling, selfish, jealousy-prone, antisocial, and a hypocrite, but people like me despite of this things, because I also have good things in me. Of course, there's people who will hate me despite my good traits. You'll meet those eventually.
I believe all these deffects we have are just us being human. I think it's natural to look out for one's self, and to have negative feelings, but as long as you try to be a good person, it should all work out.
Nobody's perfect, and I believe that this un/conscious piece of knowledge is what allows us to overlook other people's flaws and accept them, and like them.
I don't think my best friends like everything about me, and I don't like everything about them, but the possitive things I get from them are much more than the negative ones (ie: I have a friend who's ALWAYS tardy, and smells funny, but he's hilarious, and a great listener; I have this other friend who's rude, self-centered and kind of a jerk, but he's loyal, and supportive).

4) You're just growing up :P
I don't think I can say anything about it here, because I'm the girl who's been single for 2 and a half years because I've been too busy in an imaginary relationship with Johnny Depp, Stephen Colbert, and Joel McHale.

This was a long comment.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

1) Well, to each their own. I personally love it, because it makes me happy as I'm watching it. But to each their own.

3) Sure, I certainly know that. But doesn't help me understand why people like me. I recognize that I'm only as flawed as everyone else, but... I dunno. Maybe it's just a thing with me. But I just don't get it.

4) The thing is though... am I really? I know that the brain doesn't stop developing until, like, age 25 and all, but... puberty is over for me. I'm not a child anymore. I have adult feelings and impulses and everything... I just... am not sure whether I know how to like someone in real life anymore. I honestly don't think it has anything to do with my age, unless you're going to count experience.

[engelen.livejournal.com]

1) Oh no, I mean, you said you've only seen the first few episodes, which, like I said, are ok (even if I didn't like them, I can recognize they were not bad). I'm just telling you beforehand, so you don't get caught off-guard and go "WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO THE SHOW I LOVE!?"

3) I just go along with it... having been disliked for most of my life, I just take it now.
I think you could ask yourself "why do I like such and such person," and then remember why you like yourself. You could get an answer there.

4) The way you described your jr. high crushes sounded pretty much like celebrity crushes :P
My hypoteses is that none of us really know how to like people IRL until we actually become more grown-up, and are able to realize what a REAL person is. Like, we create this image of perfection in our head of such or such classmate, or teacher, or friend. We give them a God-like status, which is the same thing we do with celebrities* (ie: it is not in our collective conscience that Tom Hanks and Meryl Streep poop too).
What I'm trying to say is: I don't think you "don't know how to like someone in real life anymore." I think that up until now, you never really liked anyone real (and we're about to delve into the subjective field of "reality" and "mental projections" and shit)
I don't think I explained myself clearly, so feel free to refute me until I am able to word what I wanted to say.
* I had a crush on my ex because he was a musician and a singer. I gave him a celebrity status he couldn't live up to.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

1) Hmm... I mean, I honestly don't know. You're the only person I've heard say that Glee gets worse at all... all I've heard is that it just keeps getting better. I suppose we'll see, though. I'm gonna keep watching, so I'll just decide for myself.

3) Fff, yeah. I mean, I definitely just take it myself. I certainly won't question it, or push it away or anything. It's just something that kind of confuses me in the back of my mind sometimes.

4) Huh, that's interesting... well, I dunno. I suppose we'll just see what happens, you know?

[engelen.livejournal.com]

1) ... we live in different worlds or something, because I haven't heard anyone say it gets better. If anything, I've seen nothing but terrible reviews and things that go all "the trainwreck that is glee"

3, 4) you'll figure it out. It's part of growing up.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

1) Yeah, we're clearly in different worlds. I've seen anything but that.

3,4) I still don't think it's me "growing up". But I'll figure it out eventually, yes. XD

[engelen.livejournal.com]

1) seriously? Have some:
http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/53869558.html

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/53879220.html#cutid1

http://community.livejournal.com/ohnotheydidnt/53683390.html?mode=reply

I remember there was another one which was pretty angry, about the indiscriminate use of the word "tranny," but I can't find it in the sea of posts about new music and previews.

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

...I wouldn't say those are things about how awful Glee is, just about stuff that's happening in it. All except the one about how it's "jumped the shark"... but then it also said that How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory has also jumped the shark, so... I'm not entirely inclined to believe/agree with what that post says, to be honest.

And then... I know a ton of people in real life who watch it, and not one person I've ever spoken to in real life has disliked it in the slightest. Literally, ever.

[engelen.livejournal.com]

I sent you a message on facebook apologizing for being a bitch about this :(
So, again, I'm sorry if I'm being too rude :(

Anyway... Glee is like, the most watched TV show in the US (ok no, it's TBBT or 2 1/2 Half men), as opposed to Community, which is watched by 5 million people on a good week so I don't think you're bound to find many people who dislike it.
I just asked my brother if he knew people who didn't like Glee and he replied "almost no one likes Glee, nobody watches it." So I guess that's the Mexican reality for that show.
Like I said, personally I don't like it, probably because I'm not into musicals and am really anal about continuity.

I'm not trying to offend you or anything, I assumed we're just having an amicable and respectful discussion on a topic we don't agree on, like two mature internet buddies who take TV a bit too seriously XP... at leas I do...

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

And I sent you one back, explaining how you are not at all being one. <3

And the highest watched show in the U.S. is American Idol... but you do make an excellent point there. If what your brother said is true, then it would make a huge difference there. And also, I fall exactly into the demographic they're trying to appeal to, so I think that affects it a lot as well. XD

[engelen.livejournal.com]

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3

I didn't mention American Idol, because I'd been reading it's lost a lot of rating, but I might be confused :\ especially during the last season. Also, it doesn't air during the whole season.

And, yes, I mean, you're young, into musical theatre, and a geek. WHAT'S NOT TO LIKE ABOUT GLEE FOR YOU!?
It's why I like community so much:
It's about outcasts at a terrible educative institution, and learning about themselves and how to relate with people who share nothing in common but a Spanish class taught by a Korean dude.
(Also about a dude who doesn't want to be there, and is trying to get out as fast as possible, while learning to love a bunch of lovable misfits... most episodes are a huge slap across the face that make me realize some terrible behaviour I didn't know I had... which is good, actually! ie: this clip http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l0ioaz_CEC8 )

Sorry, huge-ass comment... WHY CAN'T I WRITE THIS AMOUNT OF WORDS FOR MY ESSAYS!?

[arthoniel.livejournal.com]

It HAS lost some ratings... but it's still easily the highest rated show in the U.S. XD

Haha, yeah, exactly. I fit the kind of person this show is aimed at precisely.

And you can't write this much for your essays because they are about topics that are dry and boring while I, clearly, am overflowing with wit and charm? XD

[engelen.livejournal.com]

PRECISELY!
Tho I DO like the topic of female roles in audiovisual production and the limitations imposed by white males.